Wednesday, July 13, 2011

this is a self-reflective post

Been sitting around lately, hoping for something to happen. Been lounging about in pajamas, putting on pants at times to go out. Have now got a volunteer job, so I go there, work, come back, then lounge about some more in pajamas. Feel apathetic, though the work I'm doing now does stir me somewhat. It stirs a part of me, rather. Stir is the right word, it denotes a faint movement, almost like turning over in your sleep. Yes, it's like that. I am horrified and yet I have a wall deep and thick and high that protects me. I have learned to disassociate and so I'm becoming a ghost.

The state of being a ghost implies transition or lack thereof. I think I am in transition, but I also feel stagnant. And we all know what happens in stagnant ponds: vile things make their homes there and grow. Do I feel vileness growing in me? Maybe, a little. I do not know what to do about it.

I need to go out, like out out, with friends, meet new people. Meeting new people is good, it's nice. Usually the people I meet are friends-of-friends who I'm likely to like anyway, so that's probably why it's nice. Otherwise, yes, as I think of it, I don't feel at ease.

I have dreams nowadays. I feel like I'm dreaming more frequently than I usually do; at any rate, I'm retaining more. I'm also having more pleasant dreams, but ones that fill me with strange, long-forgotten feelings. It's like I've become Xavier (from Life is Elsewhere) and my dreams have begun to take their own kind of space in my life. Sometimes they're so real that when I wake up I think of them and am surprised. Of course they're also filled with strange twists and turns as dreams usually are, but in a dream-like way everything makes sense. I had an interesting analytical chat with one of the figures in my dream and upon waking was much amused to realize that my subconscious has a postmodernist sense of humour.

Upon reflection I realize that I am only really living in my dreams. Yes, that's literally and metaphorically true.

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