Wednesday, January 18, 2012

90210 Season 3, episode 4 recap

Hi! Are you wondering why I'm doing recaps now? I'm thinking of doing recaps for 90210 because I might as well get something out of watching it, right? Right?

I am watching 90210 because it is literally the stupidest show I can watch without barfing or otherwise being utterly disgusted. This is because:

a) it is not as anti-feminist in places as other shows, for example 2 Broke Girls which I tried watching and then quit because they make 'jokes' about rape and that is just sick.

b) Erin Silver.

Erin Silver: In yo heart, making you ignore the terrible, trite
 'plot' and complete lack of  character development

c) I don't expect anything from this show. Seriously. I expect awesomeness from 30 Rock for example, and from Parks & Rec, and Community. I expect to be Bored But Slightly Amused by House. I watched Veronica Mars because it was friggin BADASS. Awesomness again for Seinfeld. How I Met Your Mother was ok/sort of funny but I am utterly annoyed by the fandom which worships Barney and takes everything he says seriously. See (or actually, don't) brotips for this kind of idiocy.

ANYWAY! Show digressions aside, I don't expect anything from 90210 except for maybe a semi-decent, semi-believable storyline for Silver so I can watch it without my brain making so much of a fuss that I go do something more productive. This is actually pretty awesome because in S03E3, Teddy alluded to John Donne's Valediction. He even said to Silver, "You are my compass foot" and thought it was romantic and I was like OMG!!!

d) Even though I don't expect anything from this show, and probably nobody does, it still manages to somehow, in its own 90210 way, get some semblance of social messages across. This may just be a ploy to get plots, but I don't care as long as they are putting out a message that could help people in trouble. Examples: Adrianna's drug use and Dixon's gambling problem. In season three it even handles the complicated issue of reporting a rape for Naomi, who has a "reputation", has had several sexual partners and has previously made up a sexual harassment case.

So, without further ado, I shall begin my episode 4 recap.

But first, to refresh your memory, this is what has happened so far:

  • Annie's been asked by The Auntie Who Looks Like Julianne Moore But Isn't if she can have her eggs.

  • Dixon's ended things with some lady who I do not remember. I think it is pertinent to now mention that I don't remember season one or season two and I am watching season three because season four is currently on break and I don't think I can live without 90210. However I believe this lady is pregnant with Dixon's baby. That sounds strange. Anyhow what's with all this reproductive stuff?
  • Annie's/Dixon's mom has told his lady that 'You're not pregnant. Stay away from my son.' I don't care who's pregnant.
  • So on the Adrianna front, Javier has died in a car crash (conveniently) and she stole ten songs from him because he was a jerk to her and because she wanted to be a big star or whatever. However, some guy he knew knows and it's all mysterydramasuspense about what's going to happen next.
Somebody give this girl an emmy
  • Teddy was drunk and hooked up with a boy.
  • Naomi told Silver that Mr Cannon raped her but Silver didn't believe Naomi because Naomi hit on Teddy and lied about it and Silver doesn't like being lied to and so believed Mr Cannon who said that Naomi's a liar who's been obsessed with him.
  • Naomi's been having trouble sleeping and took a bunch of pills. Silver realized that Mr Cannon is at the very least a creep, came around to Naomi's to talk and found Naomi's body.
Ok. Naomi wakes up and of course Silver's right there by her bedside. They Talk and then Silver's like I'm sorry I didn't believe you and then she says, You have to come forward. Naomi says no because she's really not comfortable telling anybody and because she feels that now she has Silver to talk to it's going to be ok. Silver says ok.

Then we're at High School! It's West Bev, right? How do I remember this? Anyway.

Extra extras are extra
So, ok. There's this chick called Ivy in the show. I don't like her. I don't like her face. I don't like her attitude. I don't like her hair. I don't like her character. She irritates me. When her scenes come up I just open up Spider Solitaire and play until her parts are over.

WAIT, WHAT? So Dixon's talking about how he looks like a turtle (yes, I was and Ivy's all like I'm ready! There's something going on about how Ivy has not Done It yet and frankly I don't care.

Then Mystery Lady (for me) AKA Dixon's Pregnant Ex (for everyone else) shows up.

Dixon goes up to her and he's all like What? You're pregnant again? and calls her a liar and stuff. I do not know what this is about. I am mildly curious but not enough to google it. Let's just see how this plays out.

Anyway then Dixon comes back and starts walking with She Who Must Not Be Named and tells her that Mystery Lady is an ex-girlfriend. Now let's see the possible reactions:
a) She Who Must Not Be Named (SWMNBN...hey that sounds like Swimmin' Bun...ok I'll call her that now) will be all like oh it's cool.
b) Swimmin' Bun be JALES. Which, even Karachi bus walas know, you shouldn't be.

I think it's going to be B because Dixon really needs some drama. Anyhow I predict that Bun here is going to poke around a bit.

OK yes! Bun's turned around to look at Mystery Lady. You know, that 'I wonder...' wala look over the shoulder? There is going to be trouble.

Now it's Teddytime. Teddy sees the boy he hooked up with and Silver talking:

What Teddy thinks is going on

So Teddy asks Silver what they were talking about and Silver's like it's about the benefit this weekend and she gets all excited


and then she has to go. Teddy is relieved.

Then we cut to Adrianna who's mysteriously back in school (she dropped out last season. I know this because it was mentioned like two episodes ago). Silver comes up behind her. I think Silver's not going to have a story in this episode because she seems to be dealing With Other People's Shit. What.

Anyway NO! She has to talk to Adrianna about the breast cancer benefit that's coming up and I got really distracted because of her nails.

Anyway so they're going to have a bachelor auction and Navid's been giving Adrianna 'Zoolander' which is funny but predictable because Navid's the idiot of the show. Which he is. I don't know why SPOILERS! Silver gets together with him in Season 4 or late Season 3, I don't care. So anyway Silver's like, Will you sing at the auction? And that results in Adrianna Drama. Ugh, so this really wasn't about Silver.

So Adrianna's like yeah sure whatevs but I can't sing that song I wanna sing another because that one "brings up some really bad memories" (ooo) and Silver's like ok.

Then we cut to the new guy that Annie's dating. He's reading Twelfth Night. Is it just me or do this show's producers LOVE TN? I saw a poster in Not Julianne Moore's office. This reminded me of my awesome literature teacher, who loves TN and also has a poster in her office. What. Anyway.

New guy has a really nice voice btw. I don't understand the TN motif.

would be the logical result of the TN motif...

So it turns out they're on a date and he's reading Shakespeare to Annie on the date which she says has never happened to her before. Ok. Did I mention that I hate Annie? Not so much in this season, maybe, she's kinda laying low. She's not Annieing up everything. But let's see.

So they make out and stuff and btw this guy is supposed to be Well Read so that's basically all he talks about (yeah, LOL, it's 90210). 

Anda Lady/Not Julianne Moore calls. Annie's missed a couple of days of work and she's (Anda Lady) concerned and wants to make sure Annie's ok and stuff and Annie's like yeah I'm ok and they talk and it's ok. Then new guy has to go and Annie says "Alas, alack" which also made me LOL. Ah well.

He does however leave behind his TN! Ooooo.

Then Liam shows up and he's all like 'crashing with Dixon' or something. Whatever. Annie-drama.

Then we cut to Adrianna and the guy who knows she stole Javier's song is all like bas you're my toy now and you'll have to do whatever I tell you to. Blackmail waghaira. Adrianna gets all cry and stuff but she can't do anything. So now she has to go tell Silver ke unless you pay me I'm not going to be able to perform and Silver's like ...* and Adrianna's like ... and Silver's like ... and Adrianna's like ... and Silver gets upset, obvs.

GUYS!!! New guy's name is Charlie. So Liam's jealous and stuff. 

Ok! We're back to Bun. Btw, Kelly Lynch is in this show.

Bun has The Talk.

Silver's all like heyyyyyyy why don't we do a dance number for the Bachelor Auction? And everyone's like nooooo except for Teddy. And then Silver brings out Hookup Boy as a choreographer. Surprise!

Annie comes home at night and then Liam's all like, hey, let's do this:

There is not a SINGLE obese person in the entire zip code.

And Annie's all like checking him out and he goes back and he's like Oooh, she's totally in to me. I should show her my soft side! Okay. Okay. Hold up. So if you check somebody out you're into them? Moral: if somebody you may have dated shows up in your bathroom shirtless, do not even look at them because they may think you're into them, even if you're looking at them because you're all WTF DID YOU JUST SHOW UP IN MY BATHROOM WITHOUT A SHIRT? ARE YOU WEARING...ANYTHING???

Navid shows up at Adrianna's and he's all like, You want to get paid?? Adrianna's like stop judging me.

At the benefit, Annie's not talking to Naomi because Naomi called her a murderer (earlier episode: Naomi was upset). Annie's all like I can't believe you've forgiven her to Silver and Silver's like ...

Now we're back to choreography! I bet Hookup Boy is going to touch Teddy. I bet it. I dare you to not do it 90210.

Wow! It didn't happen. However, Teddy called Hookup Boy a faggot and everyone was like :O
Hookup Boy then walks out and Silver (who is still in shock) is like ok let's take a break. Teddy realizes he's done something terrible and follows.

Silver: What the hell was that?
Teddy: He was provoking me!
Silver: *I'm not even going to put up with this shit face*
Teddy: Silver, wait ... I just got frustrated.
Silver: Well, I get frustrated too sometimes, but I don't turn into a homophobic jerk. (walks away)

Bun: I can't believe Teddy went all Mel Gibson.
Then she's all like Let's Do It to Dixon.

Adrianna! So Navid's here (yes, they still haven't kicked him out of the and he gives Adrianna flowers to support her. Then Asshole Manager (because he has so many dimensions) comes in and is all like Get Your Sleaze on and Navid's like wtf.

Then we go to Liam who is cooking for Annie because of the whole soft side thing. He is failing miserably at cooking because this show is all about defying gender stereotyping and then he accidentally sets something on fire and they make out talk and almost make out but then the doorbell rings. This never happens to me. The doorbell ringing randomly, I mean.

Who's at the door? Well, it could be anybody, right? But it's Charlie (New Guy). He comes in and he sees Liam and Liam sees him and Liam's like what're you doing here? To cut the shit, Charlie and Liam are brothers. I know, right? Anyway Annie's like :O

SILVER!! We're back to Silver, and she's at the benefit and making announcements and then Navid shows up in a fireman's uniform. I wish somebody would hose him for it.

He's says he's here because according to the Beverly Hills Fire Code, "This party is too damn hot." Then Silver's all like *fake surprise*. Then everyone comes out dressed as firemen and they dance and strip. The dance is as funny as it is sleazy.

Meanwhile at Annie's, she's talking to Charlie about Liam etc. boring. So Charlie stole credit cards once and blamed it on Liam. Awww, Liam's a softie. Charlie's really going out of the show in like two episodes isn't he? Bechara. The next time you feel used, remember that at the very least you've never been used for "plot". Then be grateful.

Asshole Manager decides that he's going to go 80-20 on Adrianna now rather than 50-50 and she's all like but that's not fair and he's like BLACKMAILLLLL.

Back at the auction, Oscar The British Guy (we'll talk about him some other time) and Liam are sold without a hitch; however, when Dixon comes up Mysterious Pregnant Lady tries to buy him and Silver quickly sells him to Ivy. Then Navid comes up and nobody wants to buy him (duh) and then Adrianna comes in and buys him with her 20G's and this fixes things with Silver. Later Annie shows up and is all like I'm sorry Liam but Liam has to make things Complicated because he has Issues and yeah, he leaves with the girl who bought him.

After the auction is over, Annie, Adrianna and Silver hug and then they see Naomi and Silver's like dosti kar lo na? And Annie and Adrianna, in some of the greatest dialogues of all time, repeat that "She's been awful." and Silver tries to be all like mysterious and She's going through a lot but they don't Get It. Honestly? Can't these two just take a hint and be nice to Naomi?

Then they all come out after Naomi and they're like omg we can't believe it and GUESS WHAT, SILVER TOLD THEM. WTF, RIGHT? Naomi thinks so too. She's like You promised! And Silver's like, They're your friends. What. What. What. But anyway they're all like really nice to her and she reluctantly accepts their sympathy/anger.

HAE KHUDAYA IVY AGAIN??? WHY DOES SHE KEEP COMING UP? I refuse to recap Ivy anymore. Fuck this shit.

OH HEY! Mystery Pregnant Lady is back. Her name is Sasha. President Obama's daughter's name is Sasha! Here's a picture of her:


So Dixon leaves with MPL and Oscar sees them in an extraordinarily creepy manner.

At Annie's house, Annie's mom is, by the looks of it, doing her finances because she's making the face I make when I look at the CSS Profile.

Annie comes up and she's all like Mom, your cheque for the charity bounced. And Mom's all like, I'll give you some cash! But then she looks and she doesn't have any. This made me think of The Gift of the Magi for some reason. Anyhow the bottom line is that Annie's family is heading towards Brokesville. So, of course, Annie decides to sell her eggs. Kabhee meray paas koi aisi offer naheen aee, waaah.

Lastly, Mystery Pregnant Lady (who I now realize was NOT pregnant..I think) tells Dixon that she's HIV-positive.

ALSO! I'm sorry I forgot to mention this but Teddy beat up/wrestled with Hookup Boy and now they both have detention. Will they Get To Know Each Other Better? Duh. Silver broke up with Teddy over his homophobia too, and I think this may be the first breakup on tv due to homophobia? Correct me if I'm wrong.

SO THAT'S IT FOR THIS EPISODE! Did you like this recap? I did a lot of mehnat writing this and it is WAY longer than I expected it to be and now I am slightly freaked out. I will do more recaps if that is What the Public Wants (comments), otherwise I'll just stick to doing whatever it is that I do on this blog.

Btw, I ran out of transitive verbs somewhere in the middle which accounts for the disjointedness, sorry.

FINALLY, if anyone (other than Rahima, <3) wants to be 90210 buddies with me, do let me know.

*Things are being said here. They are obvious. Insert creative dialogues instead.