Thursday, August 11, 2011

but is it worth it?

I got all A's, yay, hurray. But I don't feel happy. I feel like I've lost too much of something that was essentially good because of AS level exams. I mean, I enjoyed studying all year but now I just feel like I hate a couple of my subjects simply because of the exam. I lovelove socio but now whenever I'm in class all I can think about is the paper. Funny thing is I had a really bad paper. Yes, that one was the one after which I came home and cried my eyes out because I knew I'd screwed up. Then I vowed to stop being so fucking scared (it was nervousness that contributed to the screwing up of the exam) and to just go and give papers. I stopped caring, and this sentiment (or lack thereof) has persisted. I've stopped caring about the results because they're just not worth it anymore. They don't take into consideration things like how hard you've worked throughout the year. It's a one-shot exam! How ridiculous is that! And yet so much rides on it.

Is that 'You can afford to be so carefree because you got all A's' that I hear? Well, truth is I can't. It never stops you see. You get A's in one thing and then you gotta get more at the next level. And more. And then maybe you don't have enough extra curriculars. You're not a debater. Perhaps you're not a leader. You're never good enough, the system tells you.

Well, fuck it then. I want a real education. I want to enjoy studying! I want to feel like I do when I'm in literature class, like ... it matters. I don't want to come to school and be fed past papers DAMNIT I want to learn fight debate scream! I don't want to know which offerings to bring to the temple of CIE at the expense of KNOWING THINGS. TO KNOW THINGS is why I took the subjects I did.

And this isn't just my school. It's all the schools. There's exceptional teachers, exceptional classes of course. But at the end of the day is it worth it?


  1. exactly- that is what i feel - there is education - & yes alot ofd it but there is no learning- there is no polishing && no one tends to helkp u discover your hidden art-


  2. I feel the same way. Then again, I never got all A's.

  3. thanks, fatima. I didn't really expect anyone to agree with me. and F. I feel that it's really a matter of luck in the end.

  4. Congratulations on your grades! Seriously, it is something to be proud of, and something that will be useful for you.

    At the end of the day it is worth it because it'll open up university opportunities for you. It's also good for one's self-esteem and self-efficacy.

    Sorry to sound like a bara bhaiya, lol :P.
    Anyway, good luck. Everything will be fine :).

  5. Debates is always good, KNOWING things and LEARNING things actually helps there and it's never a one shot deal. Like education should be. Atleast if you get a good coach


  6. You're amazing with or without grades.
    Enough said. :P

  7. Debating is stupid.
    Basketball ftw.

    Congratulations on the result!

  8. Thank you guys!

    Komal: Yes, I understand it'll open up opportunities. I'm just saying that I might as well have not got here (seeing how people who have worked just as hard have got B's). It's a recognition of how closely I'm straddling the made it/didn't make it line.

    CrazyLady: Yes! I get what you mean. I don't like debates but I do like MUN. However my school thinks I'm not good enough for either.

    Dawson: thank you! I don't know where that came from :P

    Abdullah: Football ftw! I take out my yearly frustration on the ~three months of football that we get.

  9. I feel same, same, same!

    It feels like someone has summed up what I really feel :)


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    I hope you follow me too ;)

  10. Thank you :)
    and anything with coffee...i'm in!