The First

I realized that I haven't posted anything since the 17th — two weeks. That sucks, because I feel like I write a lot more often than I actually do.

So. It's the first: another year, another beginning.

I'm currently busybusy with collegeapps (midnight: people are shooting, there are fireworks, someone in the same time zone is probably opening a bottle of wine to toast the new year...and I'm on the computer, freaking out, thinking, CRAPCRAPCRAPIT'SMIDNIGHTINEEDTOSENDTHISINNOW. What an excellent start), but once I'm done, I'll be making some changes to my life.

Last year's resolutions, as you may recall, were to Be Kind and to read/write more. I don't think I was particularly kind in 2011. Was I? If I was, I don't recall. I feel...I feel so disconnected from everyone right now. I think school's made me this way, the system being so cruel and fast that I don't have time to make friends and be nice or to take a break from competing. I am disgusted by competition every day, and yet I cannot exist outside of it. I try to take alternate routes, I try to think: I am not this person, it's just the circumstances. I don't like it because it's dirty — rigged. And when it's not...it's just for the wrong reasons. I don't want be forced to compete. There's a time to try to be better than everyone else and there's a time to improve yourself. Some people say both are possible at the same time, but when you've got as much to lose as I do you don't have a choice. I can't take the SAT fifty times, I could only take it once and I had to do as well as I could; and yet who's going to take that into account? Call me cynical or pessimistic or delusional or crazy, but money definitely affects education, and it definitely gives rich people leg-ups in competitions.

So, kindness, I didn't really exercise it. I did volunteer, though — two jobs that I really enjoyed. I wish there was less school and more volunteering because at least in the Real World I can learn things without being tested and tried. 

I think that in 2012, I will continue to try to Be Kind. I've been thinking for a long time now (years) that once I get out of this dirty system I will have time and money to help people out on more than a basic level. 

As for reading and writing: well, I did read some pretty awesome books. I wrote some decent pieces, too. But then again, neither as much as I would like to. I think, yes, reading and writing, more of them in 2012.

Which brings me to Zen.

Zen is...how do you define Zen? What comes to my mind first is peace, and then focus. Zen is going to be my escape from all of the stress and negativity and...I sound like a hippie right now don't I? I probably do, but it doesn't matter. I constantly examine/evaluate myself and my life, and I've come to the conclusion that I should not compromise myself. I know what I just said a few paragraphs ago: yes, the system is dirty, and I am in the said system. I know. But I will, to the best of my ability, not compromise myself. I will find ways. I will continue to improve myself for me rather than to get better test scores (funny — my highest SAT score was in the component I didn't particularly study for, Critical Reading. Why? Because all my life I've read for pleasure. I didn't have to learn words to dupe the system to get into colleges. I'm happy about that) or impress people/colleges. I will focus on the important things and develop more focus so I waste less time.

Tall order, but not really: it's a promise to try to live as I've always wanted to, as I should. It's worth the effort.

+

Last year I wrote that 2010 was a shit year, and I stand by that. Was 2011 a shit year? Not particularly. It was more of a "meh" year. If the pattern follows, 2012 might actually be a good year.

Here's a list of all the bad things that happened to me:

1. The post below. But I'm over it, no really I AM, thanks to SJK, Jaahil and nuclearbattery and helpful comments I got from people I don't even know.

2. Intermittent depression

3. Fucking AS levels

4. I can't think of anything right now.

The good:

1. #4 above. Seriously. It indicates that finally my depression has subsided somewhat and I'm not as miserable as I used to be. It got really, really bad at one point. I'm glad I got through it and that I'm better now.

2. Karachi Literature Festival. Always the highlight of my year, even though it's only been two years since it started.

3. I still have very cool hair.

4. I have hope, goddamnit.

So: Zen, Reading, Writing, Kindness, Real Education.

What are your resolutions? Or are you too cool for resolutions? Any awesome new year stories? I wish I had a cool story to tell (no coolstorybro-style sarcasm intended). Maybe I should make one up.

First song of the year: First by Tegan and Sara (appropriate)

They're gonna wear you down
Until you're thin and tired tired tired
Of wasting time in the fast food line
I decide to walk the fine line 
And celebrate life celebrate death 
I choose to celebrate
The first to come the first to go 
The first to say yes the first to say no
I'm gonna seize this moment