Thursday, February 23, 2012


Last month I was 'feeling blue' and went on tumblr. some of you would know I've been depressed for large and significant chunks of my life. I have been feeling better lately (since about the start of this year), and have somehow managed to keep it up. I didn't talk about it in detail here or to anyone because I can't explain it and for all I know it's the product of magic. I've been feeling not-bad for about two solid months. I have not been depressed. I get the feeling that this isn't going to last, and it probably isn't, but it's nice to have calm periods. It literally feels good.

So anyhow one day in January I was feeling a bit down so I freaked out and went to tumblr. This was not only because tumblr makes me happy, but this was also because after the good streak I'd been having I did not WANT to be depressed again -- and this was remarkable in itself too. I'd worked my way out of a mindset, a framework, and as I felt myself getting gloomy I thought, Oh god, I must stop this. I can't be depressed again.  And just then (the birds of fortuity came and settled), I saw a post that said 'Relapse is part of recovery.' Today I tried to find it again and saw the title of a site that says Relapse is not part of recovery (I did not click on the link), so yeah. What I'm saying here is probably not science. It is probably not based on a study with findings that apply to everybody. So do not try this 'how the fuck do I get myself out of a hole?' at home. But anyway, when I saw that post I felt better. I believed it. And I still do. Because then I kind of realized that obviously, I can't be happy all the time. That's not possible and might actually be creepy/weird, even for me. And so, yes, it's okay for me to be upset sometimes. I know this sounds like no-shit-sherlock, but...I'm still figuring this out.

So, I relapsed. But I recognized it was a moment of weakness. Maybe relapse is not part of your recovery if you're an alcoholic or something. But what if you're depressed or emotionally unbalanced or whatever the fuck is/was wrong with me? I suppose relapse is inevitable at some point and you've just got to come to terms with it, recognize it, and move on. So far (this year) I've only been sad sad like three times and I've freaked out each time about the possibility of being depressed again. But I'm okay so far. Just lonely at times, because I have nobody to talk to talk to at school. Whenever I get upset I don't know how to explain it because the things I get upset about, nobody gets upset about. And when you have to explain it it means that there is a gap already between yourself and the other person. Explaining usually doesn't help. It just makes the other person go all "Ok" rather than "Oh, this makes me upset too, then." I've tried.

Like today, we were studying rape in socio and this one boy just sat there smiling. The teacher noticed it. Pretty much everyone noticed it. But it upset nobody. Nobody said, 'What is wrong with you?' and nobody told him to not laugh when he was laughing at the explanations. I don't know, maybe I'm nuts, but this whole thing (among other things that happened in the class) upset me and all I could think of was how I wanted to get away from everybody in that class. Like I can't even...

At first I was angry, then I felt like crying. I felt violent at some point too, genuinely violent, though I don't believe in violence. But towards a man, a privileged one, sitting there smiling during a class about rape? Why don't you make an educated guess. Though, perhaps, I use the word educated ironically.

Being sick, being unhappy, for me has had a lot (if not everything) to do with where I am. That's why I think this recovery is short-lived. Nevertheless, I am happy that I am happy. I am happy that I have, seemingly, sorted some of my issues out. For a couple of years some things that have been on my mind all the time are not on my mind all the time now. I am beginning to get better. I am able to look back at them instead of carrying them all the time. Do you know how that feels? It feels like you've climbed a friggin mountain. As you stand on top of it you can look down (finally) and see how far you've come. Then you can sit down on the top of the mountain and chill (ah! couldn't resist) and...enjoy the view, really. Eventually you'll have to come down, but...for now, you enjoy the view, and savour your success.

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