reflection

You get hung up over shit. It's interesting, I think perhaps everyone's obsessions are interesting., because they reveal so much.. One of Hamlet's obsessions is death. I take Hamlet as an example here because it's an easy one to understand. So he thinks, he talks about it pretty much every time we see him. And although he doesn't come to a lot of conclusions what is interesting is that his take on things keeps changing.

So I correct myself: people's interpretation of their obsessions is interesting. Of course there's events in your life that you dwell on, that shape your perception of the world or even your life chances. And there's thoughts, ideas, questions that stay with you. Like: is beauty important? Plato thought so, on a lower level. I don't know what I think. Oscar Wilde worshipped it.

One of the events that I'm kind of mildly obsessed with/amused by is the time when I thought I'd won the lottery. I'm not going to tell you the story because it doesn't matter. What really matters is what happened during and afterward, in my head. During the time I thought I'd won the lottery and the kind of shit that followed.

Anyhow during, I realized that I wanted to spend pretty much all the money on a Tegan and Sara concert in India. It became a part of my consciousness. This was...last November I think, and since my thought/analysis process usually runs a year late, I think I can talk about the time and kind of pull things out of it and think about them. It was really exciting because watching T+S in concert would be ... magical.

At the time I was fairly miserable (when am I not? Well I'm fairly stable for now) because I'd just started at a new school and I just wanted to go away and go to college and couldn't understand the point of having to do one more year of education (I still don't). But it was fused with more melancholy and depression than I can express or explain. It was a lonely time, and it was difficult because I thought I was alone. T+S usually make me feel better. So.

It was the unreality of it that was attractive, too. I don't particularly care for an India trip (actually I don't really care for an Anywhere trip because I don't really care for travel) but at the time I was ready to go. Ready to even catch a train and get to Hard Rock Cafe to meet Tegan and Sara and maybe hug them and tell them the story of my life. Cheesy, yes. But that's how things go down in your head. But it was mostly about the concert. Being so close to them singing, playing music. Listening to their stories. It was the experience, the magic of it, a magic that was eluding me. It is still, but I've learned to somewhat bury that feeling.

So like the lottery thing just happened in my head, so did the concert. India haircut Sara and India haircut Tegan playing a concert are in my head. A concert happened. I don't know about later but I think this is really one of the things that I feel like I missed out in life.

T+S have made a brand new DVD and it contains their India concerts, plus footage. And I really, really don't want to watch it because just the trailer has managed to make me sad.