Thursday, November 17, 2011


When you see all that you can be, that glittering pinnacle of yourself, that happy, well-adjusted version that has everything you can possibly get...things change. When you obsess over that self, things change. And not always for the better. Sometimes they change for the worse.

Sometimes you can only think of how you'll never be that person, you'll never be happy, you'll not get to be who you want. Sometimes it's because of you and sometimes it's because of the world. They tell you, change yourself, stop whining, stop blaming the system, the fault lies within you and your attitude. Be better, they say. Be happy, they say. Eventually the lines get blurred. You don't know if it's your fault, if you wrote a bad piece or got low marks or didn't do your best or didn't speak up often enough or just didn't try hard enough...or if it's just because there are rich people and it won't matter how hard you try because the world is unfair. Learn to accept the world is unfair, they say. Like it will make things better. Like the sun will turn purple if you accept facts to be facts and somehow for them to be okay like that. There will always be inequality, they say. Change your attitude, they say. Stop expecting so much, the corner of my mind says. This corner should just shut the fuck up.

I don't think I'll be happy unless I'm in control of my life. I've been toying with this idea for a while now, trying to figure out if I can be happy otherwise. If it's possible or worth it.


Of course it's possible. Anything is possible, really, when you think about it. In the absolute sense, of course. That's what I believe. Foolish as it is perhaps it's how I get things done. So yes. It is possible. It is possible to change the most important things about myself. I have destroyed my capacity to feel, slowly, and I've been very successful. So anything is indeed possible when it comes to changing myself because I have control over myself, at the very least. That I can change, mould.

But then my self as it is will cease to exist. I won't be me and the undertow, the signature, the years and years' worth of memories will pull at this new me. Maybe I can get rid of that too. Maybe. Destroy myself, everything that makes me me. It's possible.


I feel like I am going crazy except I don't believe in madness. I think it's just a social construct. I do believe in sadness, though. When a person is sad they can do anything. Same goes for anger. When you're happy why would you want to go do something bad? You're so busy being happy you don't think about it. But when you're sad, you want to escape that prison and just feel something else. Anything, at times, is better than that. When you're happy things have consequences. When you're sad you don't give a fuck because how much worse can things get? Sometimes you just want to see how much worse things can get.

I'm used to being depressed but it never used to be this bad, I never used to feel like crying so often. Maybe all this shit has really broken me. This pressure. On top of all of it, them saying it's possible to be better. Do better. Take more pressure. Just so you can get the things you want and possibly escape this feeling.


I don't know where I am but I just want to get out of here. Sometimes it's like, Go, just go anywhere. You know how Alice goes up to the Cheshire Cat and goes all, Where do I go now? This way or that way? And the Cheshire Cat is like, Depends on where you want to go. And Alice says, I don't really care -- and the Cheshire Cat is like, Then it doesn't matter where you go.

I know of a place where the grass is green and where smart people actually live (they not only a figment of my imagination, brought forth to counter boredom and frustration with stupidity). Where I won't feel like I have to push everything I think and feel into a little box and bury it. But for now, anything will do.


  1. Hey !

    You exactly said what i so very feel at the very moment. its true something changes for the worse. but can we say its a part of life, a new flavor of life (that you might not like!) but its a part of learning and experience. Now you see this world is a bad place so whats the use of complaining? :) That's how i have brought peace to my life ! I hope you feel good. :)

  2. I've never been able to pull myself through times like these. What I've done is tried hard to compartmentalize the shit at the back of my mind so that everything that should matter takes place's like forgetting and pretending its not there, and then it comes back again. I think this is what others like to call "changing attitude". Never worked for me. Hope you get through.

  3. There are plenty of places where the grass is green and smart people live! University, for example ;).

    Don't worry, everything will be okay. Sometimes the mind races, and thinking too much creates its own problems. If you take out some time to just turn your mind off, it might help :).